30 Days About Me: Day 30 — Whatever tickles your fancy

I don’t know if I can out-do my last one. Because that one was deep. I struggled with a topic for the first one and when I decided to write about my brother that just fit. But I don’t have much else to say on that topic right now. Maybe in the future but not now. I just don’t know what to write. So I’m going to go ahead and show off my house all done up for for the holidays.

And I say holidays because my husband is Jewish so we celebrate Hanukkah and I'm Catholic so we also celebrate Christmas. So it pretty much looks like the holidays exploded all over my house. But I'm ok with that because this is my favorite time of year.

Our tree. With Dad's handmade reindeer that we fill like stockings. My parents started that tradition years ago with my brother and I and last year Dad made Steve and I our own (since my one from growing up is at my parents house).

My small, but growing, village of houses. I'm hoping to get more this year but I'm not sure where they'll be displayed next year.

I got this piece of furniture for my birthday this year and it turned out to be perfect timing because I needed more space for my decorations! As you can see from this we have a few Menorahs. There are 4 more elsewhere in the house (what can I say, in our area Hanukkah decorations are few and far between and I buy them up whenever I can and 2 of those Menorahs are for us to light the others are simply decoration)

The front hall. Just a few simple wall decorations here. It was hard to get a good picture of the hallway because of the way it's laid out.

This is coming up the stairs into the kitchen. As you can see, another Menorah and in this picture it's the 4th night of Hanukkah. I'm glad we had this pass-thru window because all these stuffed decorations would have been totally pulled down by some dog that thinks everything stuffed belongs to him.

The pass-thru window between the living room and kitchen. Just a few little knick-knacks and Santa.

This is in the living room. I'm totally glad we've got so many shelves cause I'd have a lot of decorations without a place to go.


The outside of our house! I love it. Steve and our neighbor worked really hard hanging the lights all over the house (they tried for the roof, but it was a little much and we nixed it for this year). We've got light up candy canes and a little tree. I'll probably try to snag some more mini trees for next year after everything goes on sale, but we'll see I don't want to be that overboard house ya know.

30 Days About Me: Day 29 — Why are you doing this 30 day challenge

I feel like perhaps I should have put a little more thought into these day topics because I feel like this one is pretty much going to say a lot of the same things as yesterdays post. But why did I do this. Honestly? I was bored with this blog. I hadn’t been doing a lot of stuff on my 101 list and I really didn’t have anything to blog about and I wasn’t really feeling the other memes I’d tried. And there were some things I wanted to write about, but I just didn't know if I could. Or should. So I was feeling a little stuck. But I enjoyed blogging and wanted to keep writing so when I saw my friend doing this I figured why not. It’s only 30 days and it’ll probably be fun. It was fun, and I think it got me back into the spirit of blogging. Which is good because I’ve actually been a little busy and do have a couple of blog posts to write once this is finished! So we’ll see where this thing goes and how regular I post from now on. I’m hoping more regularly. I’m really just hoping that I’ve got something to say.

30 Days About Me: Day 28 — In this past month, what have you learned

I did not do this to learn something about myself. I did this because I enjoy blogging. Not enough to wish I did it as my full time job though I will admit if someone would pay me enough money to write a blog for a living I'd be all over that. But I do enjoy writing for myself and the few readers I have. I like comments, but if no one comments I’m ok with that. Probably because I read a lot of blogs every day and don't comment. I don't know why that is. I comment sometimes, but not regularly.

And really I have learned something important recently. In regards to my brother. I’m stronger than I think I am. I have been through a lot with him and with the whole experience and I have grown a lot. It took a lot. And it wasn’t just with my brother. It was also the people that surrounded me and stood by me and those that didn’t. It was 4 years. It is 1 1/2 more years to go. But I know something now that I never knew before. I am a strong person and I can get through anything.

30 Days About Me: Day 27 — 15 interesting facts about yourself

I’m not really as interesting as you might think. But 15 interesting facts about me...here goes nothing.

1 – I lived in Loudoun County for 27 years.

2 – We bought our first house and we’re now living 2 counties over. I was scared at first, but now? Best decision we’ve ever made. And now I doubt I’ll ever move back to the place I said I’d never leave.

3 – My husband and I graduated from the same high school. We were not friends. Not even close. Total opposite of friends really. And yet now we are married.

4 – I joined a message board when we were planning our wedding. I still talk to those girls and have met 2 of them. We even do a Christmas present exchange each year. I really don’t know what I’d do without them.

5 – I’m Catholic and my husband is Jewish. We celebrate both holidays. It makes the holidays so much easier when we’re not trying to figure out who’s house to go to for what and when and to get the timing just right. We still have that problem with Thanksgiving, but I can live with it one day out of the year. My husband wants to start doing a holiday. Any holiday. He doesn’t care. I don’t want any part of hosting any holiday at our house.

6 – I’m directionally challenged. I can’t get anywhere without my GPS. And sometimes even then I get lost. It’s really best if I let someone else drive.

7 – I do not find myself very interesting. And this is harder than I thought it would be.

8 – I recently chopped off all of my hair (ok, a lot but not quite all) and went straight. I have regret. I miss my perm and my long hair.

9 – I very much dislike the snow. (And it snowed on my birthday, which is bullshit.) Did I mention I’m living in a place that gets more snow than my last place? No? Well it does. And the fact that I drive over a MOUNTAIN to get to work? No? Well I do. And I’m a retard because that COMPLETELY escaped me when we signed for our house and waited out the long SNOWY winter for the house to be built. Yup. I’m bright. Also? I think winter should be banned. Like it should just stop existing.

10 – I cannot keep a secret. I have to tell at least one person and my go to person is Steve. Because he can keep a secret and after I tell one person I feel better and not like I’m going to explode with secret. So basically, if you tell me a secret it’s safe with Steve.

11 – I really like to clean. And organize. But sometimes I am lazy. So really I like to clean and organize if I am in the mood. If I am not in the mood? Well, there’s always tomorrow.

12 – Christmas is my favorite time of year. And not just because I get presents (I love presents). But because I love buying things for other people and seeing their faces when they open up a great gift. I hate Christmas music though. Thank you retail.

13 – I can drive a stick shift. Not well, but I can. I tell people I can’t so they don’t ask me to.

14 – I really enjoy baking. Cooking not so much (though I do it). But baking? That is the stuff.

15 – I love naps. Wish I still got a nap time.

30 Days About Me: Day 26 — A photo that makes you happy

A picture of my boys. They totally make me happy.

30 Days About Me: Day 25 —Your celebrity crush

I don’t really have a celebrity crush. I mean I do find some of them hot. Hello. McDreamy. McSteamy. Brad Pitt (but the younger Brad, not so much the Brad now). George Clooney (old and young).

And then there is Edward….um…Robert Pattinson. He’s dreamy. I mean I’m not going to say I’d leave my husband for him. Because he’s really only dreamy as Edward. I don’t really think he’s cute when he looks like himself.

But when I was younger. PRINCE WILLIAM. HELLO. Hot stuff even as a kid. And growing up? Totally got hotter. I always held out hope that I'd become his Princess (Queen) one day. But sadly, Kate totally stole him from me. Which was rude. I mean we didn't even have a chance to meet. So it's like he doesn't know what he is missing.

And then if that whole Prince William thing didn't work out there was JTT. He was MY MAN! He just didn’t know it. But we were going to meet in the most romantic way and he was just going to fall head over heels in love with me and that would be it. We would live happily ever after. NO DOUBT.

Sadly for my teenage self that never happened.

But I’m ok. I mean I’m not rich or famous. Or married to anyone rich or famous. But I’m ok just the same. I've got Steve. And I will always be Queen of this castle :)

30 Days About Me: Day 24 — Something you wish you had done in your life.

Honest? Gone away to college. I don’t really regret not going. I started out at a Community College near home then went to George Mason because it was close AND I liked the school. Plus by that time I was a Junior and I wasn’t about to transfer to some school where I’d have to figure out dorm life. And I had a job. Retail. But I liked it.

I didn’t not go away because I didn’t get accepted to someplace that would have taken me away. I got accepted to 2 places – Longwood and Radford. Both fine schools that would have gotten me a quality education and most likely good experiences.

But at the time. I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind to go away to college. To be tempted by constant parties and no parents making me actually go to school (not that they really had to make me go, but they’d totally know if I was out partying all night and not going to school while I was at home vs. if I was away). I just didn’t trust myself to be responsible enough to go away and ultimately finish school. Which really probably speaks to my responsibility to actually know that about myself. I will say I never missed a day of class “just because.” I missed for things like snow or illness. But not illness in the way of hangovers.

Sometimes I wonder who I’d be if I had gone away. Would I have joined a Sorority? I probably would have. Would I have actually gotten my degree in education and became a teacher? Probably. And I’m sure I would have made lifelong friends. But it’s not like I don’t already have those anyway. And I have the memories. Maybe not of crazy staying up all night to finish a paper or talking with my roommate or sneaking boys into my dorm or whatever else crazy young college kids do. But I do have memories of my life during my college years. I don’t feel cheated by any stretch of the imagination. But sometimes I can’t help but wonder. And then I look at my life. With the husband I wouldn’t have. Friends I wouldn’t know. A house I wouldn’t own. A job I wouldn’t have. And I know. I made the right decision. My life turned out the way it was meant to. And I’m happy with that.

30 Days About Me: Day 23 — What I would find in your bag

Um…everything I can fit in there. Really. I’ve always been known for my big bags full of stuff. Need tweezers, nail clippers, a cuticle clipper, nail file, pen, paper, deodorant, lotion, a mirror, a brush, chapstick (duh!)….anything random that most people probably don’t carry around. I’ve probably got it. I also carry my wallet, packed full of stuff, but hardly ever cash. I have sunglasses (or my regular glasses if I’m outside and it’s sunny). My cell phone – personal and work. A charger for my iPhone. Sometimes even for my Blackberry. I have an iPod and earbuds. My keys (which also have chapstick on them…). I’ve also got eye drops, a Vicks inhaler for when my nose is stuffy, medicine (usually Tylenol or Advil), and some cuticle cream (don’t ask…I don’t even know). I’ve got not 1 but 2 thumb drives. Receipts. Lighters. There’s candy in there, right now, but probably not for long. Sometimes I carry my camera, but it depends on where I’m going. And there is always a water bottle. Not just any one – my pink one. But that’s only if I’m out. At work it’s on my desk and in the car it’s in the cup holder and at home it’s attached to my hip haha. Nothing super exciting, but all definitely useful. And it’s all in there because I use it.

When I go out though I tone down my bag. I’ll carry the basics. Chapstick (duh!) Money (in some form). My phone (just one though, no need to do work at the bar!). My camera. And lotion.

Ask me why I don’t just carry those few things on a regular basis.

It’s simple. I just can’t. Because I’d totally need something – or multiple things – that I didn’t have and then I’d be annoyed. Like the one time I didn’t put any lotion in my going out bag, and I needed it (I forgot, it wasn’t on purpose that I didn’t bring it). So we stopped at a gas station and I bought some. Actually, I bought soap because I can’t read labels apparently. But I was pretty annoyed when I got in the car, on the road, nowhere near water, and used the lotion that turned out to be soap.

Basically it boils down to I’m kind of a pack rat. I clean out my purse often (of those pesky receipts and random pieces of paper) but the basic essentials are there to stay. And sometimes I luck out and find that at one point I DID have some cash that I stuck somewhere in my bag and it’s like winning the lotto. I mean, one of those scratch offs that net you like a dollar or two, but it’s totally awesome finding money in your purse!

30 Days About Me: Day 22 — A website

A website. A website I love? Hate? Find really informative? What? This is a rather broad title. So I guess I'll just wing it...

One of my favorite websites has brought me a large group of wonderful girlfriends. Most of whom I have never met and a lot of them I won't get the chance to meet even though I'd love to. When we were planning our wedding I joined a message board on The Knot for our wedding month (April 08). That's where I met these girls, and honestly I had no idea how much they would become apart of my life and how much I'd grow to love them. After we got married some of the girls dropped off, but most of us hung around. The Know sent us over to The Nest where we hung for a couple years. Recently, we made the switch to a private board which we love so much more. But we're all mostly still around. There have been some girls gone over the years - some come and go - but there is this core group that has hung on since the beginning. I've pretty much known them since about 2006. That's a long time. They have been there with me and for me through a lot - my brother, my grandmother's death, my uncle's cancer and ultimate death, and other random things along the way. We've rejoiced for each other. Said prayers for each other and our loved one's during really rough times. We've laughed and cried for each other. I really and truly couldn't imagine a greater group of women. When something good - or bad - happens I run to them. Like I said, I will probably never meet them all but I would definitely love to.

30 Days About Me: Day 21 — A recipe

I made this pumpkin dip for a work potluck and it was a hit! So I brought it to my parents for Thanksgiving. It's really simple and super yummy! It tastes like pumpkin pie. I picked up some ginger snaps to eat it with, not knowing those are super hard cookies, so I won't be paring those with this again on personal preference. Next time I'll go for some fruit (like apple slices) or something to go with it.


Ingredients

1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese, softened
2 cups confectioners' sugar
1 (15 ounce) can solid pack pumpkin
1 tablespoon ground cinnamon
1 tablespoon pumpkin pie spice
1 teaspoon frozen orange juice concentrate

Directions

In a medium bowl, blend cream cheese and confectioners' sugar until smooth. Gradually mix in the pumpkin. Stir in the cinnamon, pumpkin pie spice, and orange juice until smooth and well blended. Chill until serving.

30 Days About Me: Day 20 — A hobby of yours

Scrapbooking. I love scrapbooking. I take a TON of pictures. Of everything. Events, people, things, places, anything I can get a picture of I’ll probably take. And eventually I’ll turn those photos into a scrapbook. Either a themed book (like our wedding or our honeymoon) or just a random life as I live it book. Which I have been seriously slacking on lately. I have a lot of pictures that need to get in to a book. I just need to buckle down and do it. And usually the winter is that time for me. Because all I want to do is be inside where it is warm instead of outside where it is freezing! I have a collection of books dating all the way back to high school and it’s really fun to look back at them and lose myself in those memories. I enjoy scrapbooking because it gives life to your photos. Instead of just sticking them into some album scrapbooking allows you to tell a story of whatever is happening in the moment. To showcase something important or special. To bring it to life on a decorated page. To make it something less than boring.

And it also prevents my kids (or grandkids) from opening a trunk full of photos and asking themselves who are these people and what in the world is happening here?! I looked through some pictures of my grandmothers after she had passed and I had all these questions that will never have an answer to. It’s sad that those memories are lost with her and honestly I hope that my memories aren’t lost when I go but are savored in my books.

30 Days About Me: Day 19 — Something you hate about yourself.

By far it’s my hair. I have always hated my hair. It’s always been super thin and never held anything. Rollers? Sure I could put them in and when I took them out and did my hair it looked great. 10 minutes later? It just looked jacked the hell up. And I’m not really good about doing my hair – like I have no hair talent. I knew people that could make their hair look like they just stepped out of the salon. Every fucking time. Beetches. Haha. I was never so lucky. Maybe I just wasn’t creative enough, but really I didn’t have the skill to even recreate a picture from a magazine.

Then I decided to go for the perm. I love that look, and sometimes it has looked better than others. I’ll admit the super short-chin length perm was not the best look for me. Recently I had really long, mid-back length, permed hair and I liked that. I think what I liked most about it was that I looked nothing like myself.

I’m back to short and straight. Which is ok. And I like the cut, but I still hate my hair no matter the cut. Plus there is still some perm in there so I get this weird crimp in the back. But only on one side. No matter how many times I run the straightener through it. And if it’s hot and humid FORGET IT because then I’m left with a big frizz ball.

Maybe I just need a wig…

30 Days About Me: Day 18 — Something you love about yourself.

There isn’t a whole lot I love about myself. I’ve always had problems with the way I look. And I’m thin and athletic so in all reality I shouldn’t. But I don’t know. I’ve just never liked the person in the mirror. I mean, I’m pretty. People tell me that. And I get it. But really I wish I was a little more fashionable. AND I can be if I try to re-create a look from a magazine (I mean how hard is it to go and pick out a shirt that looks like this or bottoms that look like that and pair it with similar accessories…it isn’t.) But I’m always worried that I look…funny or something. And a lot of that stems from the fact that I don’t like the way I look in things. But NOT THE POINT of today. That’s tomorrow. Well, actually Friday. Because I'm not posting tomorrow because it's Thanksgiving.

Today is all about what I like. And what I like most about myself? My eyes. My blue eyes. They’re so pretty. It’s the one feature I would HATE to lose. I never went through that colored contacts phase and was really sad to get glasses because I was afraid they’d hide my eyes (I’m over that, I like my glasses and I think they add something to my face). But they’re pretty blue eyes. Not like WHOA that girl has some BLUE eyes blue. But subtle blue that really just works with my light complexion and light hair. They fit me and honestly I secretly hope God blesses me with some blue eye’d kids even though it’s not genetically in the cards since the hubs has dark eyes and so does his family and so does the majority of my family. But one can always hope right?

30 Days About Me: Day 17 —Your favorite birthday

I’d like to say all birthdays. Because well…I love my birthday. And I make a HUGE ass deal about it. For 2 reasons – 1 because it’s right around Thanksgiving and sometimes people forget. I mean I get that you might be out of town or with family, but is it really hard to give someone some birthday love when she never forgets yours? It isn’t. By the way. And 2 because, well, it’s my birthday and no one else really makes a big deal out of it so I have to.

And how fitting that this post end up during this week. Because Saturday? IS MY BIRTHDAY!!!

I can tell you what my least favorite birthday was. My 24th. The year Steve threw me a surprise party. Yes, it was a nice gesture. I get that. But I am pretty clear about how I hate surprises. I talk about it all the way up to my birthday about how I never, ever, ever under any circumstances want a surprise party. See. I’m a planner so I plan my birthday and I like to know what the plan is and we had a plan – to go out – it was mine and it was what I wanted to do and what I was looking forward to. So when I got home from dinner to a house full of people (a house I’d spent alllllll morning cleaning so I wouldn’t have to the next day) it’s safe to say I was way less than pleased. Did I enjoy it? Sure after some alcohol. But did I want it? Not in a million years. It was sweet because he thought all my “I don’t want surprise party” hints were really so that someone would actually throw me a surprise party. So he really thought he was doing something really nice for me. They weren’t, but I could see how one might confuse the too. Either way, it wasn’t a horrible birthday, but it wasn’t my favorite. Also? It was the week my brother was arrested. So yeah…overall it wasn’t a good year.

My most memorable birthday was probably my Sweet 16. My friend and I were about a month apart so we did a joint Sweet 16 in the middle of our birthdays. We had lots of mutual friends. We decorated the shit out of my parents house and prepared and prepared for this. There was a cake fight that made a HUGE mess of everyone and of lots of things. One drunken retarded that wasn’t actually invited. Overall it was a really fun day. There wasn’t anything spectacular about it – it was just a gathering of family and friends to celebrate 2 Sweet 16’s – but it was a great birthday.

My 21st was special. Because none of my friends were 21 so they couldn’t rightfully take me out to a regular bar or anything. And it was THANKSGIVING DAY so I couldn’t actually go out the DAY of my birthday – which was kind of crappy. But a couple friends did take me out the night before, to Fridays, because we knew the people there and 2 of my friends worked there at the time so they served me that night because they’re cool like that. It wasn’t the drunken fest that most people have for their 21st but I had a really great night with really great friends.

The birthday I can’t wait for? My 30th. For real. I know what girl wishes to be 30? Well, I’m not actually wishing to be 30 because I don't actually plan to have my age move past 29. I'm just going to celebrate 29 over and over and over again. Like my mom did. Until I got too close for it to be realistic. BUT my brother will be home for that birthday so yeah I’m really looking forward to that.

30 Days About Me: Day 16 — What you think about your friends

I thought this one would be interesting to respond to. I mean I’m obviously not going to be specific because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings AND I don’t want to blast someone on the interwebs like that. Because that is rude. And while I can be rude, I try not to be ha!
Anyway, what do I think about my friends? Overall I think my friends are good people. I love the friends I have. I miss some of the people I’ve lost along the way for whatever reason, but have recently started finding some people through Facebook. Yeah I know that’s not new, but one day it just dawned on me that I could search for people and ask them to be my friend.

Someone said – and when I say someone I say that because I don’t actually know who and I’m too lazy to look it up – so anyway, someone said that people come in to your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I believe that is true.

I have one friend and I know his reason for being in my life. To always be there for me no matter what. No matter how long it’s been since we’ve last talked or seen each other. He’s always there. And I’m always there for him. He has literally been there for me since the day my mom dropped me off for the first time at preschool and I was NOT liking that. He was there. He wasn’t my first friend, but close enough.

My first friends are pretty much the only sisters I have ever known. I don’t have any of my own, though I wouldn’t change having a brother for anything…now…growing up I totally would have ha. But these girls, my twins, we are 6 months and 2 days apart. I am older. And they like to remind me. And sure growing up there were times that it was cooler to be older than them. For instance – 16, 18, and 21. So 3 times I’ve had the upper hand. And now the older we get the less cool it is for me to be older. And I’m sure that once my calendar reaches 30 they’ll be more than happy to remind me they are still in their 20’s while I am not. And I will be forced to punch them. It’s totally fair. Plus, I’m older. We used to be pretty inseparable. We were backyard neighbors until they moved (down the street-ish) and then I moved much farther (down a much longer street, and subsequently to a different school than them for the first time ever. Tragedy.) But we still remained close. High school and college came and went and we all got our own interests and new friends (stupid different school thing) and that was ok. We were still best sister friends. And we still introduce each other as sisters. Because duh. We totally are. We might not see each other as often as we’d like (and by might I mean we definitely do not!) but trust me when I say we could go years without seeing each other and pick up like we’d seen each other yesterday. That’s what I love about our relationship. It’s deeper and stronger than anything else I’ve ever known.

And then there are my High School friends. Those girls (and one guy) that walked with me through the halls of BRHS, and through the HS drama that every kid goes through, and were there for me to help make sure I made it out alive (not that I’m trying to say I was suicidal, it’s just a figure of speech). I have BOXES of pictures of those wonderful 4 years. And looking back. OH MY GOODNESS. Why did no one tell us we looked RETARDED. Haha. But those memories. Of going out to dinner every Friday night for “someone’s” birthday. Or of being the rebel HS kids we were and dabbling with the alcohol and the sneaking out and the getting in trouble at school. And the inside jokes that have carried through the years. And the ones that randomly pop into my head and FOR THE LIFE OF ME I cannot remember what the hell we meant. Either way, I treasure those girls (and one guy) and wouldn’t trade them for the world. I’m glad I have them in my life and I quite honestly don’t know who I’d be or what I’d do without them.

And then there’s the people I’ve met since graduating HS and College. The people that have come to me through work or friends or random encounters. Some have come and gone and some have stuck around. Some I feel like I’ve known forever even though it hasn’t even been a decade. Some of them – the one’s that are gone – I can live without. Because obviously I am. But those that have stuck by me and with me through some super hard times (hello, I’ve got a brother in prison). They’re for life friends. And I’m glad for that.

And then, my newest friends, my neighbors. I was a little worried about moving so far from my family/friends because I was afraid that I’d be lonely or constantly driving back out to Ashburn to see people/do things. But, luckily for us, we scored ourselves some AWESOME neighbors. Around our age, and similar life places (young, married, no kids). We generally hang out every Friday and Saturday night which has been awesome. And we’re really becoming fast friends. The guys all get along and go off and do guy things while the girls go off and do our thing. We’ve had cook-outs when it was warm, random dinners at each others houses, and other various outings. We basically hit the neighbor lotto, and for that I am ever grateful because we’re all planning on being here for a long while so it’s nice to know that we’re going to have friends in the ‘hood (cause we really haven’t met any of the other neighbors and some of them are a lot older than us – which doesn’t make them bad, it just means they probably have different interests…though we don’t know cause they haven’t been neighborly really).

30 Days About Me: Day 15 – Whatever tickles your fancy.

This one is hard because I wasn’t sure what to write about. This open ended category. It was like I could write about anything. But I wanted whatever I wrote about to be good. To mean something.

I have decided to talk about what it is like to have a brother in prison.

Simply put. It is hard. Very hard. My brother was arrested in November 2006. Right before Thanksgiving and my birthday. Worst birthday ever. The day I learned of his arrest was by far the worst day ever. Until I saw him in his orange jumpsuit, behind a glass for our bi-weekly 20 minute visit. Those were both the best and worst days of every week. I looked forward to seeing him and getting to speak to him face to face, but when they came for him at the end of our visit and they took him away. Back to his cell. Away from us. It was heartbreaking. The saddened look on his face when they knocked on the door to come get him. For a year we saw him like this. A year he was behind that glass. It was awful. I actually looked forward to the day I could see him in prison so that I could wrap him up in a big giant hug. A hug I had to wait a year for. But it was the best hug ever. And I cried. Tears of both sadness and joy.

I all but stopped my life for him. We went to court almost monthly for one reason or another. I went to see him every week. Tuesday and Saturday. When he was up here. When he was in other county jails around Virginia we saw him as often as we could. I waited for phone calls. I never wanted to go out just in case he called. I spent a lot of time crying. I googled my brother and read and re-read the articles in the paper. I rarely talked about it, at the beginning, because I wasn’t sure what to say. People weren’t sure how to act around me or what to say. It was understandable, but it hurt me. Deep down I wanted my friends, I wanted to talk to them, I wanted advice but I wasn’t sure how to get it. And truthfully? No one I knew could really understand what I was going through. I didn’t really either. And this is something that you can’t understand unless you are going through it or have been through it.

And then there was sentencing. Hearing the testimony, minimal since he’d plead, but it was still hard. It was hard to hear my mother get up on that stand and talk about her baby. I didn’t know she was such a strong woman. When the judge read his sentence I lost it. I didn’t even hear anything past the first charge. I don’t remember anything until we walked out of the court room. I had been preparing myself to watch my brother walk out of that room and into prison for 10+ years. Preparing, but not prepared. You can’t prepare yourself for that. I was so confused as to why everyone was overjoyed with his sentence. It wasn’t until I realized he’d gotten 6 1/2 years. I was over the moon. Which is strange considering my brother was still going to prison for a long time, but it wasn’t that long considering what we were expecting him to get. At that moment I knew we could get through this. How? No idea. But we could do it. We’d already done a year and as hard as it was it was just as quick. And we only had to go through 5 1/2 more. We finally had an end date. There was an end in sight. I could work with that.

When he finally got moved to his prison home and we could finally go see him I was excited. I could not wait. To sit in a room with him. NOT behind a glass. To hug him. To “share a meal” even if it was out of a vending machine. We’ve had several good visits with my brother over the years. I enjoy the time we get to spend as a family even if it’s only for a couple hours and not as often as we’d like. He’s always been far away. Too far to see him all the time. Recently we were hoping he’d be moved much, much closer but in the end he didn’t get to come closer. I was devastated. I was so sure he would be close. That I would be able to see him more often. I, am, so incredibly disappointed by the fact that he is still so far away. I have little hope that he will be close to home until he is actually home. I still hope, but I no longer hold my breath.

In the last 4 years I’ve learned a lot of things. I’ve learned the value of a hand written letter. And getting that letter in the mail. Those letters mean a whole lot to me, and I can only imagine what they mean to my brother. I’ve learned the importance of a phone call. Sometimes we don’t have much to say, but we spend 20 minutes a week on the phone talking about anything and everything. I’ve learned it is ok to tell him I am disappointed and sad and angry and hurt. And sometimes he gets angry, and will even yell at me, but he’s not angry with me just his situation and that everyone needs to vent. That took me a long time, and some therapy, to learn. I was always afraid to tell him what I thought. I was afraid to upset him and that he wouldn’t call me back. Or write. And I wouldn’t see or speak to him until he got out. But he will always call back. And he will write. And take my visits. I’m glad now that he knows how I feel and that I know that no matter what he needs me as much as I need him.

I’ve had good days and bad days. I’ve had worse than bad days. I’ve had many sleepless nights. Nightmares about my brother. I’ve had dreams that my brother had been released and that this whole thing was over. And then I woke up. And those wake-ups were worse than after the nightmares. I’ve spent days in a fog. But had really awesome happy days and then felt guilty because of where my brother is. I love the holidays, but they are so hard because he’s by himself eating prison food and spending holidays alone and sad. It’s been heartbreaking. But when I hear the hope in his voice and his plan for the future I know it’s been good for him even though it’s been really hard on him too.

The whole thing is hard. Very, very hard. But we are getting through it. One day at a time. We’re going to make it and we’re going to be ok.

30 Days About Me: Day 14 — Something you could never get tired of doing.

Would it be silly to say napping? Or am I supposed to come up with something more interesting?

Oh…interesting. Well, in that case, I guess it would be 2 things. Writing and shopping. I love them both. I’ve always had a love for writing. I used to start – never finish – little short stories through high school and college. I expressed myself through poetry and other writings. Some of them are really bad and will never be seen by anyone for as long as I’m living. I’ve mostly kept them all in random notebooks that I keep a keen eye on. And lately, I’ve gone from writing stories to writing this blog. It’s one of the things I’ve enjoyed about writing this blog. Even though I don’t post all the time. I enjoy the writing. Just expressing myself. For whoever wants to read it and for myself. I know I don’t post on the regular, and I go through spurts of posting a lot and then nothing for like weeks, but I do this for me and I post when I have something to say.

The other one. Shopping. I mean who doesn’t love shopping. I can even enjoy window shopping. If I’m bored on the weekend I’ll hit up some store or the mall just to get out of the house. Not really because I need or want anything and if I happen to pick something up then awesome but if not I’m good too. Some days at work I’ll hit the mall, or Target, or Walmart, or some other store big enough for me to wander through and kill an hour of time. Sometimes I head out with a purpose, but generally I just like to get out of the office for that hour a day. I don’t always because sometimes I’m just in the mood to spend money I don’t have and then it can be dangerous haha. The only thing about shopping that frustrates me is when I am actually going shopping for something specific and can’t find it. That’s irritating. But otherwise, shopping for me is relaxing. Much like writing. It’s something that relaxes me and let’s my mind wander and think about anything or nothing.

30 Days About Me: Day 13 — A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.

Well, aside from Buddy. Of course.


There are a couple. First. A hamster. Because hello! They are so cute. I know, they smell and they don't actually do much but they are so cute. I'm probably never going to get a hamster. Steve told me I could. But that he wants fish. So yeah. No hamster for us because I don't want anything to do with fish!
I think the next kind of dog we'll get with either be a King Charles Cavalier Spaniel

Basically it's a Buddy...but smaller. I know I said I'd never get another spaniel because of all the health problems we've had with Buddy that are spaniel related BUT they are just so cute. How could you resist?!

or a Shih tzu.

This was my parents dog. She wasn't always the nicest, but the older she got the nicer she got. We had another one, a black and white, but I don't have pictures of him on this computer. They really were two sweet dogs and they had far less problems than Buddy has so maybe instead of a spaniel we'll get one of these....eventually.

30 Days About Me: Day 12 — Nicknames you have; why do you have them

I don’t have many nicknames. There’s the normal shortening of my name to Care. WHICH I HATE. Just in case anyone was wondering. Because to me Care is a word, not a nickname. Like you care about something, or someone, or whatever. But it’s not my name. And it makes me cringe when people shorten my name to that. So really if you want to get under my skin go ahead and call me Care.

A few people in my life middle name me and go with Carrie Ann. I’m ok with that. I love my name and I think it sounds southern.

One of my friends calls me Carebear. And only one. He’s been my friend since pre-school and he’s called me that ever since. He’s pretty much the only one that’s allowed to do that.

My work nickname, and probably my favorite one of all. Snapple. Yes, like the drink. This is a funny story which is why I chose to do this “about me.”

I worked with this girl, L, and one day we were doing something and I was chest beating about how I was so awesome and quite frankly, made from the best stuff on earth. Al la Snapple. She thought that was so funny, but went on to say she was Checkmark. Like from the General Mills commercial – she was the right choice. She even went as far as to print off a little piece of paper with Snapple on it to cover my first name on my name plate outside my cube. So I, in turn, printed one out with Checkmark on it. And we were then Checkmark and Snapple. Eventually, our graphics guy printed out “official” nameplates that said Snapple lastname and Checkmark lastname because our ghetto ones were just that. Ghetto. She has since left, but I do still refer to her as Checkmark and I’m pretty widely known around the office as Snapple. I’ve had to explain that story a couple times. And one day someone even asked me why my parents named me Snapple. Like my parents were hippy people that would actually name their kid Snapple. That was funny, and he definitely did say that he was glad my name wasn’t actually Snapple because it was kind of a silly name. Someone got Snapple confused and called me Skittles. Equally as funny, but I’m sticking with Snapple.

30 Days About Me: Day 11 — Something you don’t leave the house without.

CHAPSTICK! Hello. Anyone that knows me knows I do not go anywhere without chapstick. My Carmex how I love thee. I’ve always had dry lips. Because sometimes I bite them. But I always have a chapstick with me. One in my purse. One on my key ring. One next to the bed. In the bathroom. In the living room. On my desk at the office. Wherever I frequent you can probably find a chapstick nearby. If we’re hanging out at the house (like a party or something) I’ll probably have it in my pocket. It could probably be classified under slight obsession. But I’m ok with that. Because I’ve always got soft, non-chapped lips.

Well, it's that and my camera. It's either on my phone, my point and shoot or my DSLR. But I always have a camera in some form or fashion. I love taking pictures. Of what we're doing or something cool I see. But I love to have those photo memories. I have lots of photos. So many that I've filled 1 external hard drive and am working on another. But I don't regret them. I cherish them. And I scrapbook them. So that they aren't just on the computer. So that I can see them laid out in a story.