New skills. Well, more skills to master.

I’ve been trying to figure out what other skills I’d like to give a go at. Hoping for something that would truly better myself.

I already play one card game really well. It might be Asshole. But I’m awesome at it. Hahaha. That’s obviously a joke (though I used to be pretty awesome at Asshole back in my college days).
I thought about trying to “be able to perform at least one dance style reasonably well” but I’ve got two very left feet so it probably wouldn’t go over well and I’m not cool with being injured. Plus my moves? Already awesome. Hahaha (another joke. I’m on a roll!)

Having a stress management strategy would be nice. But I work in proposals. Lots of stress. I guess my strategy could be quit my job. But then I’d have to figure out a “how to put food on the table” strategy and I’ve got one of those…it’s called a job haha (plus, I really love my job. Stress and all).

All joking aside…

I am going to learn how to cook (it’s #56 from the list). I know that it’s a thing on my list to make at least 1 meal a month, but I want to do more than that. I want to be able to feed my family. And feed them well. Not just healthy, but good food. That tastes good. And isn’t the same thing over and over and over again. I want to be able to plan our meals out for the week (we’re getting better) and go grocery shopping with a solid list and not just things like “dinner” or “spaghetti” because while I love spaghetti it’s a meal that just doesn’t take much thought. I’d also like to get to the point where I can make more than seasoned, baked chicken breasts without using a recipe. Not that I need to make things all fancy, but I’d like to be able to make a little bit more of a variety without a recipe. I’m getting there. And this is something I’m really finding out I enjoy. A lot. Plus, my friend got me this awesome cookbook for Christmas that I think will really help me understand the cooking basics.

And an update to the one’s I’m already working on (learning to take criticism, worrying what other’s think of me, and taking things personally)

I’m good with “stop worrying what other’s think of you” which was TOTALLY evident by one night out. We went to see our friends band and I was in the mood to dance. Which is something that I haven’t been in the mood to do in um….forever. Well, 4 years. Whatever. (Seriously my brother and this jail thing messed me up. Hard core). But I was out there BUSTING A MOVE and looking terrible (because I know I cannot dance. To save my life.) BUT I didn’t care. I didn’t care if people looked at me like I was some crazy lady having a seizure (they might have. My dancing is bad y’all). I didn’t have to be surrounded by people I knew so people I didn’t know wouldn’t see me. I just danced. And danced. And danced. Yeah, the alcohol helped. But I was dancing long before I was drunk. I was out there when barely anyone was. And there were A LOT of people in the bar. A LOT of people I didn’t know. Did they stare? Yeah probably. Did I care? Nope. Did I think about it? Not until the next day when I realized I hadn’t had that great of a time, or let myself loose like that, in a really long time. Sunday morning I realized? I was back. And I feel great.

Also, I think I’m doing pretty good at not taking things personally. So much. At least I think I’m doing an ok job. I know I’ve got some things I could probably still work on, but those little things that used to really bother me and make me cry (seriously, they would. I was a sad, sad girl) don’t any more. I know that people aren’t leaving me out, or making fun of me, or saying things specifically to hurt me. Well, maybe they are. My point is that I don’t really care. But like I said, there are still some things that I need to work on and I’ll get there but I feel really good about where I am now.

I think the criticism one will follow with the taking things personally. I’m doing better. Especially at work. Which is good because I’m learning new stuff at work and I’m having to take some criticism, but I’m not a nervous ball of wreck like I would have been even last year. I’m hopeful. But I do think it’ll be something I struggle with for a while.

So there you have it. I'm going to learn how to really cook. And I'm feeling more and more like myself. I think I'm really making strides. And I'm really happy about that. I'm really glad I put this on my list and I'm glad I used it to better myself.

75 skills. A follow up.

Ok so a long while ago I posted about #90 – 75 skills every woman should know. (here) I am hoping to “master” 5 for this list, and I have been working on 3. Learn to take criticism, stop worrying what others think of you, and don’t take things personally. I have been working on them for months, and they actually took a lot more than just saying ok I’m going to do this and then bam, it’s done. My brain doesn’t work like other people’s and I actually got some help with these because a lot of my issues stem from something else that happened in my life.

My brother. Sigh. Always back to my brother.

I’ve never really been…normal…but I used to be fun. I used to love life and people and doing things. And then my brother got arrested, and I felt completely abandoned by everyone, and I feel in this super dark hole and changed. In a bad way. I didn’t want to go out anymore because I was the sister of a felon and hello, people could totally tell that and they were judging me. JUDGING.

OF COURSE they were not. Because that is NOT rational at all. And when I walk into a random store that I know NOT ONE of those people even know my brother is a felon and therefore cannot make judgments based on that. DUH. BIG FAT DUH.

I am very happy to say that I don’t care what other people – well, strangers – think of me. I mean, clearly, I don’t want people I know in real life to hate me (though if they are going to hate me because my brother is a felon then fuck them). But, as far as going into a restaurant alone. Can do. Have done. Did not die. And I actually enjoyed it. When I’m in a store I don’t even notice if people look at me (because, you know, everyone used to stare at me but not in an OMG she’s hot kinda way). I feel a LOT more confident with myself in general.

So thanks to my therapist for helping me through this one. I really should have seen her a long ass time ago.

The other 2, taking the criticism and the taking things personally, those are a little harder to master. I am trying, but it is hard. With the criticism one, I am making progress and I’m ok with progress because it’s better than it was. I am being more receptive, and also, being able to give it less blunt and bitchy. Which I think is a really good thing.

I said before, in my original post, that I do know that really deep down that people aren’t “out to get me” and that most people don’t plan their days around trying to hurt me. But recently, in the last few months, I have been very hurt by two-used to be super important-people in my life. And it was hard to not take that personally. Because I was specifically told that they didn’t care how what they did made me feel and it didn’t matter to them if it ruined our friendship. That felt super personal. And while I’ve said some harsh words over the subject, I’ve definitely had harsh words, by two people, thrown at me. (2 against 1, not so fun) And it really feels personal. The entire thing. And there has never been any “You know, I can see your point and I can understand where you are coming from, but that was not our intention.” Maybe it wouldn’t feel so personal if I knew it wasn’t.

So yeah, I’m a ways off on that one. But just for that one specific instance. Otherwise, I’m learning to joke again – and be joked on. And I can laugh at them. And at myself. And I don’t secretly want to cry on the inside because I think that that joke wasn’t really a joke but words said to really hurt me. It’s fun. So I guess I’m more ahead than I thought, but that one thing still brings me down. I’ve kind of put it out of my life, but it isn’t as easy as you think.

What’s that saying…don’t talk to strangers?

Well, I am not following that rule at all. In order to “stop worry about what other’s think of me” (#37 from the list of 75 things a woman should master and #90 off my list) I have been taking big steps out of my comfort zone and doing things I would normally not do at all. It is hard, but I am very proud of myself.

First this month I went to a jewelry party hosted by my friend. I’m not a huge wearer of jewelry or anything and I didn’t know everyone that would be at this party but I said I would go and I went. All by myself. I even had the opportunity to stay home with a sick husband, but decided that I needed to do this for me. And for Christine because she was kicking off her business and I was going to go to support her. It turns out that I knew a few more people than I thought and those that I didn’t know were nice and easy to talk to. They didn’t bite or look at me funny or treat me like I was some three headed monster or anything like that. I was SO proud of myself because I started conversations and joined conversations without a second thought. I didn’t even rush to leave the party early. Overall, I’m really glad I went because I think I really needed it.

Then another one of my friends was hosting a Tupperware party and this was another case of I knew I wouldn’t really know anyone but I went. Ok, well I went a little bit because I wanted some stuff but whatever. I hadn’t planned on staying long, but that wasn’t because I didn’t want to or I was uncomfortable it was more because I had a lot to do that day. I ended up staying for almost 3 hours because I didn’t even think there would be a demonstration or anything. Either way, I participated a lot during the party and socialized some afterwards. I was right though, I knew no one. Well, that’s kind of a lie, I knew some of my friends parents friends but really only in passing so I basically went into this part full of strangers and that was a huge step for me!

And my achievement – I took myself out to lunch. I was running some errands and realized that I had skipped breakfast and it was well past lunch time and I was starving. I needed to eat. Fast food was always an option, but I just didn’t want it and there was this little pizzeria place near where I was and I decided I wanted a slice of pizza. So, I went in ordered (for here!) and sat down and waited for my food to come. I was completely unprepared for this by myself lunch adventure but I had my phone so I played on that while I was waiting. I ate my lunch, caught up on emails/facebook/etc. and really enjoyed myself. I was so engulfed in myself that I didn’t even people watch nor did I care that I was there alone in this very full restaurant on a Sunday afternoon. And, I did not die. What a concept! Now when I go out to a restaurant and I see people by themselves I don’t have to wonder how they do it because I know. It’s easy.

My new skillz! (#90)

So I did it. I went out for lunch all by myself.

It wasn’t too painful, but I wouldn’t say I had the time of my life. I did ok with not sitting there in complete fear of what other people were thinking of me. I went to Potbelly and that’s a busy place during lunch. I don’t usually eat there when I have lunch there because it is quite crowded. It wasn’t super crowded when I went – definitely a full house that only got fuller, but I was able to find a table where people could see me but I wasn’t hogging up a table that would be better suited for the larger groups.

I ordered, stood in line, paid, grabbed my drink and headed for a table. I actually picked a table where people could see me because otherwise what would be the point of this? They do have some tables tucked way in the back, and I was hoping that I wouldn’t get stuck at one of those because I really wanted to do this. I got all settled in and ready to eat and I looked around and noticed that most people were having conversations with the people they were eating with, not staring at me judging me. Sigh of relief to actually realize that. It was at that point that I knew I’d make it through this lunch without having a mini-panic attack and scarfing down my food like I haven’t eaten in weeks. It was really hard not to rush through my food, but not because I was nervous – because I was freaking starving! So that was a challenge, but that’s another kind of challenge for me.

I did decide that it wasn’t all that fun because I quickly grew bored of my experiment. Not bored in a way that I didn’t want to do it, but like ADD bored. I didn’t have anyone to talk to and I checked all the essentials on my phone (Facebook, email, twitter…ya know, the things that only update as often as people update their stuff). I hadn’t planned ahead so I didn’t bring a magazine or anything to read. I played a card game on my phone, but that was difficult to keep attention on that and eat my sandwich at the same time. So next time a magazine will have to accompany me on my lunch excursion.

Overall I think I did ok. Am I ready for an entire dinner out? I don’t know. I suppose I won’t really know until I try, but I’d like to get a little more comfortable with all of this before I try anything so daring.

#90 – Skills every woman should know.

Apparently there are 75 skills that every woman should know. Esquire magazine did a list of 75 skills every man should master and someone was looking for a similar list for woman and without finding one to her liking she made one up. You can read the whole list here - http://abundance-blog.marelisa-online.com/2008/05/15/75-skills-every-woman-should-master-the-first-25/

I hope in my life I can “master” a couple, but for this list I need to master 5.

Lately I have been in kind of a funk and wanting to make some changes for myself. I like who I am and all but lately I haven’t really even been myself. I’m having a really hard time getting through Nana’s death. And yes I am aware of the fact that she died in August, but she was my last living grandparent and I have just had to have my first birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas without grandparents and I didn’t particularly like that. That and the holidays are always hard on me because my brother was arrested November 20 and celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas isn’t the same without him here. Plus, I feel so very bad that he is all alone on holidays while we get to be together. So with all of that I’ve been quite the mess lately.

So I’ve decided to make a couple changes. Things that I hope will make me a better person.

I can NOT take criticism to save my life. Sometimes I get defensive and then I end up coming off as rude or mean. Most of the time I take criticism very, very personally and end up feeling really bad about myself. I never really think that people are giving me criticism to help me in any way, but that they are just doing it to hurt my feelings or attack me in some way.

First skill I am going to “master” – 1. Learn to take criticism

Along the lines of criticism I also care very much what other people think of me. I suppose that is because I don’t have a very high opinion of myself to begin with, but I always think people are judging me. Even complete strangers. Every single time someone looks at me I think they are judging me. It is a huge part of the reason I don’t like to go out in public by myself because I feel like when I’m alone people will stare and think I am a sad person because I’m alone. Even if I’m out with people and somehow I end up at the table alone that’s what I think people are thinking. It is completely irrational and I know that, but it is how I think. Even with my own friends, if I get the slightest inclination that you could possibly be thinking something bad about me I freak out and I end up being impossible to be around because I get all wrapped up in the fact that you secretly hate me even if I know that rationally it doesn’t make sense. I think this is the one I am most excited to try and master. I think if I can get through this one I will come out a much better person.

Second skill to “master” – 37. Stop worrying about what others think of you.

And the above ties into the third skill I am hoping to “master” – 61. Don’t take things personally.

Anything that anyone says or does to me I take personally. That for some reason they are doing it to hurt me in some way. I do know deep down (really deep down) that people are not “out to get me” and that they are not living their life with the sole purpose to hurt or upset me. Even though I tell myself that “so-and-so” isn’t doing “x, y or z” to (insert feeling here), it always feels that way.

Wish me luck I think I’ll need it. I know these won’t be overnight changes, but I’m going to give them my best effort and see where it gets me. One thing my 101 list has taught me was to accept that failure happens and it isn’t the end of the world.

2010. It’s a new year. A new decade. A new me.