On our way home from visiting my brother we stopped by “to see” Nana for Christmas. And that is just not the same as actually going to see her. But she’s gone. I’ll never get to see her again. This is it. This is where I will go “see” her for Christmas, when we finally get pregnant and I want to tell her, for her birthday. For anything. It sucks. I don’t like it. I’ve been missing her a lot lately. I know why. The holidays are hard. And for more than a decade she was the only grandparent I’ve had around the holidays. I thought maybe this year would be somewhat easier than last year because last year we had just lost her and that wound was still so fresh. This year was a little easier, but not by much. I still really missed her, especially on Christmas Eve because that’s when we used to go see her for Christmas. It just isn’t the same. It never will be. I have this strange feeling that it will always be sad.
But, just like last year, I went with mom to see Nana and bring her Christmas decorations. Mom made up a sled – which she then buried in the rock because she didn’t want it to blow away – and she brought some little (fake) poinsettias to put around the sled. It looked very nice and Nana would be pleased.
Merry Christmas Nana. I miss you.